NFL Rules: How to Perfect the Art of Being an NFL Hater
The NFL Rules are simple if you know how to break them with style. I am here to teach you how to embrace healthy cynicism, wear nonchalance like a cape, and treat game day theatrics like an overproduced soap opera. This is not about being cruel. It is about sarcasm, timing, and mastering the little gestures that say, I am too cool for this.
Table of Contents
- Step 1: Master the Eye Roll Technique
- Step 2: Wear Your Nonchalance
- Step 3: Snack Indifference
- Step 4: Master the Mock Cheer
- Step 5: Direct Your Eagerness Elsewhere
- Graduation: The NFL Hating School of Sarcasm
Step 1: Master the Eye Roll Technique
Your first weapon is the eye roll. Not a normal eye roll. I mean the IRO technique. When NFL coverage starts, demonstrate your lack of enthusiasm with the signature IRO. Roll those eyes left, right, upside down, and downside up if you can. Nothing says, I really am too cool for this more than an exaggerated roll that defies gravity. Let the world know you find touchdown nonsense to be just that, nonsense.
Step 2: Wear Your Nonchalance
Dress the part. Sportless attire is a statement. A t shirt with a witty slogan, flip flops in December, or a jacket that screams, I have better hobbies than this. Wearing your nonchalance is social theater. Announce your disdain without speaking. The goal is to make people wonder if you accidentally walked into a stadium or deliberately came to undercut the pageantry.
Step 3: Snack Indifference
While the masses gorge on nachos and buffalo wings, choose blandness. Real football haters snack with intention. A kale smoothie, celery sticks, or something notoriously boring is the proper fuel. This is culinary superiority by apathy. Why waste taste buds on cheesy goodness when you can enjoy the blandness of life? If anyone asks, shrug and sip slowly.
Step 4: Master the Mock Cheer
Amplify your sarcasm. Use an old fashioned megaphone, or at least the voice in your head, to celebrate each touchdown with lines like Oh, how original or I can do better than that. Be loud enough that they hear you, but with that perfect deadpan edge that makes applause feel performative. This is protest theater meets sports commentary.
Step 5: Direct Your Eagerness Elsewhere
While everyone panders to the NFL Rules of fandom, channel your energy into alternatives: competitive napping, pillow fight leagues, or a serious study of interpretive dancing. Organize a who can count the sheep the longest contest. High stakes, low sweat. Why cheer for sweaty athletes when you can crown the Nap Champion of the Living Room?
Graduation: The NFL Hating School of Sarcasm
Congratulations. You have graduated. Remember that this is not about meanness. It is about finding humor in over the top drama. Whitty sarcasm makes the world go round. Keep the eye rolls ready, the kale smoothies chilled, and the megaphone on standby. Above all, do not take life or football too seriously. Stay true, my friends.
Stay true, my friends.